People with depression are
rarely good at being assertive, and assertive people are rarely
depressed. I don't think that assertiveness training alone can cure
depression, but learning these skills can certainly have powerful
consequences for self-esteem.
Most of us, especially the depressed,
suffer in silence when people are rude, threatening, or manipulative,
and we end the encounter feeling diminished in self-esteem. Or occasionally
we will lose our temper and descend to the level of the other person,
which doesn't resolve the dispute and also leaves us feeling bad
about ourselves. Acting assertively, on the other hand, strengthens
self-esteem. If we treat ourselves as if we are worthy of respect,
others are more likely to treat us the same way, and we also get
the message: "I'm as good as anyone else."
Being assertive means knowing
what your rights are and giving yourself the same respect you'd
give the other person. It does not mean being pushy, demanding,
controlling, or selfish. In fact, part of assertiveness training
is learning to listen carefully, to make sure that you understand
clearly the other person's position and that you carefully consider
his or her rights as well as your own. Being assertive does mean
identifying what you want and asking for it in clear language that
maintains respect for others.
Assertive behavior can teach
us how to express our feelings, remind us of our interpersonal rights,
help get our needs met, and resolve confusion and conflict in relationships
with others. Most of all, we can't expect to have self-respect if
we don't treat ourselves with respect. It's more of the depressive's
magical thinking, wishing that self-respect could be given to us
like an inheritance. On the contrary, self-respect, like every depression-fighting
skill, has to be learned and earned. This can be difficult if you're
feeling really depressed, so don't take my words as another stick
to beat yourself up with. When you're ready, learn about, practice,
and start to use assertive behavior techniques.
There are dozens of books, tapes,
and classes that you can take to help you learn how to be more assertive.
Edmund J. Bourne, in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, has
a method I like.
1. Objectively evaluate your
rights. Do you have a right to expect different treatment than what
you're getting? We all have basic rights we tend to forget about,
including the rights to change our minds, to say "I donít know,"
to be treated with dignity and respect, and to feel our feelings.
2. Choose a time when you want
to deal with the situation. For a conflict with a loved one, a co-worker,
or someone we are in regular contact with, establish a mutually
convenient time when you can discuss the problem. But some situations
need to be dealt with on the spot, before greater damage is done.
3. State the problem in terms
of how it affects you. Make it clear exactly how you are hurt or
inconvenienced by the other person's behavior. This may be all you
need to do. Sometimes people are just not aware of their impact
on you. Use calm, objective language that avoids criticism.
4. State your feelings, using
verbal and nonverbal language that supports each other (this takes
practice — many of us are unaware of how our body language
contradicts our words). This is also where "I statements" come in.
"When your stereo is loud, I can't get my work done (step 3). I
get worried that I can't meet my deadline" (step 4). The other person
is not responsible for the way you feel, but has a right to know
about it. If you donít state your feelings, you're assuming that
the other person can read your mind.
5. Tell the other person what
you want. Use simple, direct language. Keep it specific: "I want
you to help with the dishes," not "I want you to show more consideration
for me." Address the other person's behavior, not his personality
or character, to avoid putting him on the defensive.
6. Describe the consequences.
Clearly spell out what will happen if the other person does or doesnít
cooperate. This should not be a threat, but a natural consequence.
"If I can get my work done, we can go out later." When you're dealing
with someone you know to be uncooperative, you may point out the
natural consequences of his refusal: "If you don't let me get my
work done, we wonít have enough money to buy the things you want."