Assertive Communication

People with depression are rarely good at being assertive, and assertive people are rarely depressed. I don't think that assertiveness training alone can cure depression, but learning these skills can certainly have powerful consequences for self-esteem.

Most of us, especially the depressed, suffer in silence when people are rude, threatening, or manipulative, and we end the encounter feeling diminished in self-esteem. Or occasionally we will lose our temper and descend to the level of the other person, which doesn't resolve the dispute and also leaves us feeling bad about ourselves. Acting assertively, on the other hand, strengthens self-esteem. If we treat ourselves as if we are worthy of respect, others are more likely to treat us the same way, and we also get the message: "I'm as good as anyone else."

Being assertive means knowing what your rights are and giving yourself the same respect you'd give the other person. It does not mean being pushy, demanding, controlling, or selfish. In fact, part of assertiveness training is learning to listen carefully, to make sure that you understand clearly the other person's position and that you carefully consider his or her rights as well as your own. Being assertive does mean identifying what you want and asking for it in clear language that maintains respect for others.

Assertive behavior can teach us how to express our feelings, remind us of our interpersonal rights, help get our needs met, and resolve confusion and conflict in relationships with others. Most of all, we can't expect to have self-respect if we don't treat ourselves with respect. It's more of the depressive's magical thinking, wishing that self-respect could be given to us like an inheritance. On the contrary, self-respect, like every depression-fighting skill, has to be learned and earned. This can be difficult if you're feeling really depressed, so don't take my words as another stick to beat yourself up with. When you're ready, learn about, practice, and start to use assertive behavior techniques.

There are dozens of books, tapes, and classes that you can take to help you learn how to be more assertive. Edmund J. Bourne, in The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, has a method I like.

1. Objectively evaluate your rights. Do you have a right to expect different treatment than what you're getting? We all have basic rights we tend to forget about, including the rights to change our minds, to say "I donĖt know," to be treated with dignity and respect, and to feel our feelings.

2. Choose a time when you want to deal with the situation. For a conflict with a loved one, a co-worker, or someone we are in regular contact with, establish a mutually convenient time when you can discuss the problem. But some situations need to be dealt with on the spot, before greater damage is done.

3. State the problem in terms of how it affects you. Make it clear exactly how you are hurt or inconvenienced by the other person's behavior. This may be all you need to do. Sometimes people are just not aware of their impact on you. Use calm, objective language that avoids criticism.

4. State your feelings, using verbal and nonverbal language that supports each other (this takes practice — many of us are unaware of how our body language contradicts our words). This is also where "I statements" come in. "When your stereo is loud, I can't get my work done (step 3). I get worried that I can't meet my deadline" (step 4). The other person is not responsible for the way you feel, but has a right to know about it. If you donĖt state your feelings, you're assuming that the other person can read your mind.

5. Tell the other person what you want. Use simple, direct language. Keep it specific: "I want you to help with the dishes," not "I want you to show more consideration for me." Address the other person's behavior, not his personality or character, to avoid putting him on the defensive.

6. Describe the consequences. Clearly spell out what will happen if the other person does or doesnĖt cooperate. This should not be a threat, but a natural consequence. "If I can get my work done, we can go out later." When you're dealing with someone you know to be uncooperative, you may point out the natural consequences of his refusal: "If you don't let me get my work done, we wonĖt have enough money to buy the things you want."