Anger is a particular trouble
spot for many people. We are often aware of a feeling of estrangement
from the world, our noses pushed up against the glass watching
real life behind the window, and a consequent bitterness, hurt,
or resentment is always lurking in the background. At the same
time we may feel it is our own fault we feel this way — after
all, we could just jump into the midst of life if we chose. So
there is a background of anger in our lives, which we may recognize
yet feel we are not entitled to. And this anger and self-blame
feeds on itself in a vicious circle, so it is often nearly impossible
to be sure that we are justified in feeling the depth of anger
we experience in any particular situation. We second-guess ourselves
constantly. Our guilt makes us self-sacrificing: we will absorb
ill treatment from others as if it is our due, but eventually
we will get pushed too far and explode in a tirade of anger that
unloads all the steam we have built up. Then we scare others,
and feel out of control.
It's important to remember
that anger, like all other emotions, is neither good nor bad in
itself; it's just an innate response we have. Anger can be used
for many worthwhile purposes. It's the fuel that feeds our desire
for justice, what makes us want to see wrongs put right. What
is scary is that it feels like it can run away with us. But I
don't think that is nearly as true as most of us tell ourselves.
The spouse abuser says: "I lost it, I snapped, I couldn't control
myself." But the fact is that he did control himself. He didn't
beat his wife to death (we hope), he beat her until he felt he'd
taught her a lesson, then he stopped. His anger wasn't in control,
he was using it. All of us have the capacity to control our anger,
to use it to our own purposes.
Anger can't be escaped, but
we can tame it, live with it and make it safe, even use it for
productive ends. Practicing assertive communication and behavior
can help make sure that anger is constructively expressed and
doesn't hurt people important to us. And as we develop assertive
skills, we find that we feel less aggrieved and isolated, and
thus have less to be angry about.